The Rubble of My Ruins

The other morning I awoke to a darkness that began rolling over my thoughts, out of nowhere. I knew it was wrong to allow them to stay, but seemed to be powerless to shake them. It didn’t make sense; I am the happiest I have ever been in my walk with God, my Life, and work. But they just kept piling on me, like a heap of rubble, all the things of my past that I felt were “wasted”. The past experiences I allowed to happen that only led to despair, seemed to be the only thoughts I could have, one after another, all along walking through the most beautiful sunny day with my wife.

I kept asking myself, “Why are you here, Tom? What brought you to this damp, dark cave you’ve allowed your mind to crawl into?”

If I had to go back the previous evening, before falling asleep, the origin of this darkness…was simply seeing a certain photograph from 30 years ago, that brought with it one memory after another, until I was buried beneath a pile of poor choices and wrong words spoken. As trivial as it may seem, it was a small crack in the dam of my life, that was left unrepaired, unresolved…unforgiven. And I was ashamed, I felt helpless to remove these memories. I prayed throughout the day the voices in my thoughts would stop…but they only became louder.

It wasn’t until early the following morning I woke up to the same question, but this Voice was soft and tender, (not condemning like the previous day), “Why are you here, Tom?”

“I don’t know why these thoughts have come, and I can’t reason them to go away. I’ve changed my life, forgiven everyone who’s hurt me, and have tried to honor You.”

“There is still unforgiveness in you, and will keep piling over you… until you forgive yourself. The road ahead for you, will be built upon the Rubble of Humility.”

For 30 years I’ve been holding a grudge I wasn’t aware of, but when I forgave myself of past mistakes…the darkness lifted, and the condemning voices left.

And the image of a beautiful paved walkway is now firmly imbedded in my mind, made from…..The Rubble of My Ruins.

Psalm 40:2 “He brought me out of a horrible pit, a miry clay, and has set my feet upon a rock, and He established my steps.”